Your Not-So-Typical "New Year, New Me"

It's been so long since I posted to this blog. So long, that I've gone back and forth trying to decide if this post was even worth sharing (but that's just the writer in me feeling self-conscious). The easy excuse would be that I was really busy living life, accomplishing goals, and ~finding me~. And while a lot of that is true, the more important, harder-to-face truth, is that sometimes writing is really hard. Some days it comes to me and other days it doesn't. People think writers are always supposed to know the right thing to say all the time. I can assure you this is not the case, considering I find myself saying the wrong things at the wrong time more than I'd like to admit.

So with that being said, here is something I've had on my mind for a long time. I've just been searching for the right words to say it.

With every year that passes, I find myself asking, "How did that year just go so fast?" But of my 22 years, 2018 has by far been the fastest. So many new experiences, memories made, and lessons learned; I don't even know how to begin looking back and reflecting on what this year has brought me. I graduated college, landed my first career job, experienced love and heartbreak. There were so many instances--good and bad--in which I thought to myself, "What did I do to deserve this? How did I get here?"

And the answer usually came down to one simple thing: my actions.

Whether beneficial or detrimental, my life is shaped by these decisions. Sometimes these lead me to wondrous accomplishments, and other times I'm in a position where I wish I would have bitten my tongue or handled a situation differently. I'm a very impulsive person, and with impulsiveness can come carelessness. It's no secret that I've been known to let my emotions get the best of me. I find this stems from my obsessive compulsive personality. I constantly catch myself needing to know the outcome of everything. My anxiety kicks in and forces me to overthink until I've mentally and emotionally burnt myself out just to find an answer, even if an answer isn't necessarily essential at that given moment.

I've always been the type of person who needs a timeline, and I need it down to the very last detail. I like set plans and I have a hard time going with the flow; this is one of my greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses. Living with uncertainties is hard, especially in our twenties. I often lack focus on the present. I create these imaginary deadlines in my head and become so fixated on how they will play out. I feel so much pressure to achieve certain things by a certain time, and it's caused me to miss out on a lot of opportunities.

My biggest goal this year is to is to begin trusting the timing of my life. I wish to be more present and less worried about the future. I wish to be more conscious of my words and actions. I wish to not let my decisions be altered by extreme emotion. I know my flaws. I know what I need to work on. This year is about positive self-change, while still being unapologetically me.

Too many times I've tried to control everything around me. So instead of wasting my energy on things I can't control, this year I'm choosing to spend that energy on crushing goals and becoming the best version of myself.

xo, Alex